I have re-written the first sentence of this blog about 15 times. I can’t say I’ve ever thought about writing about my anxiety before. I can’t say I’ve always had it. I can’t say I really cope with it.
Today, however, something small has set off a chain of panics in my head. The battle has begun.
Glass of Water Analogy
I read an analogy a while ago about stress but only now has it begun to really sum up my feelings.
Stress and anxiety are like holding a glass of water. Hold them and think about them for a short time and everything is fine. Think about them for a longer period of time and they begin to feel uncomfortable. And if you think about them all the time, the glass become immensely heavy, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything or moving forward.
What happens when we add more water? What if you fill the glass to the top? Things tend to get shaky. You have difficulty focusing and water spills out. Now you worry about the water that has spilled too. If someone is talking to you now you have difficulty paying attention and holding the glass still. You’ve also been taught that spilling is bad and you should be ashamed of your self for letting that water spill. So now you can’t focus, you feel shame and to top it off your arm really hurts.
You might just consider to put the damn glass down for a while.
How do I put the glass down?
This week/month a few extra problems have cropped up in addition to my usual worries.
Issue 1 – Flat Inspection
I came back to my apartment on Sunday night after a weekend with my parents to find a letter, stating that my Landlord’s agents will be inspecting my place on Wednesday. They haven’t given a reason why, just a note to say that if a cooker is included it must be in working order.
I’ve only been in the flat for 3 months, how would I have broken the cooker? Why wouldn’t I let someone know if I had? What are they looking for? I haven’t set up some sort of crack den to prejudice my lease, I don’t even have a goldfish because of a no pets rule.
The troops are called up, I can feel the tension between the world leaders in my head.
Issue 2 – Money
This is always an issue. I won’t bore you with details but I have just changed jobs and moved so money is tight and to top it off, my car insurance is due. Cue the £1,000 leaving my account halfway through the month. Pay day can’t come quick enough and even then I’m going to be in my overdraft.
This issue is well-known, it’s like the army have handed out the uniforms. It happens so often everyone knows the drill.
Issue 3 – Holiday
We’ve hit the summer and as all my friends jet off on holiday I stay in the same place. My mother is putting pressure on me to go on holiday. My colleagues have all booked August holidays and as I’m the only one without children I have to wait till September to take mine out of school holiday time.
With regards to who to go with, your guess is as good as mine. My friends and I finished University last June and so have all been working for a year now. I haven’t taken any time off since July 2016, my friends are in flexible jobs so they’ve had their 20 days + bank holidays. Where they have managed to save up enough money to book their foreign jaunts with their respective partners, I have changed jobs so my savings have gone on a new flat, furniture and a new car.
No one seems to understand that I haven’t got time, money or company to go on holiday with.
The men have been deployed, trained and are waiting for the signal.
The final drop
I was given some furniture on Monday and after two friends loaded it into my car it was too late to ask them to unload it at my apartment. It’s a chest of draws and side table. Last night I removed all the draws and the side table, putting them in my first floor flat. I realised that the actual chest is too much for me to handle on my own. I became annoyed by this. I have a friend coming over at the weekend specifically to help me but I Hate being dependant on other people (especially as this friend has a track record for cancelling on me). If he doesn’t turn up I have a chest of draws in my car until I can get someone to help.
Having tried and failed to lift the furniture I noticed it has gouged a chunk out of the boot of my car. I am in love with my car as a previous blog post shows. I could cry.
This little drop of annoyance has tipped me over the edge. First shots are fired and the battle commences.
I can’t really remember a time when I didn’t have little anxiety moments like this. It probably developed in my early teens. My mother has issues with it so I assume it’s hereditary.
I’ve spent a difficult morning trying to balance doing my work, running to the loo to be sick and googling ways to handle anxiety attacks.
The world leaders are not helping. The war is raging on.
They all say the same thing. Diet, Exercise and Sleep.
- Diet – I’m trying. I eat pretty healthily with the occasional treat. What’s life if you don’t enjoy your food? I’m not going to eat muesli for every meal.
- Exercise – Gyms cost money. I’m lazy and categorically refuse to run. I’ve got no one to join a fun fitness class with.
- Sleep – My fitbit suggests I sleep around 6 to 7 hours and wake up twice during the night. How do you fix this when you have so much to wake up and worry about?
My stubborn and hugely inflated ego is refusing to let me go to a doctor or speak to a professional about this. Partly because I’m too proud and partly because I have a gun license (don’t judge me for the gun license, I come from a farm, we have guns and I rarely shoot anything other than clay disks). It is a million times harder to renew it when you have any history of mental health issues, even if you’ve been ‘cured’.
I’m going to try aromatherapy.
More specifically I’m going to spend my saturday afternoon laying on the sofa burning camomile and lavender oil whilst watching a hallmark romance film.