Posted in Friends, Life, Random Thoughts, Relationships

My ex is now gay… How am I supposed to feel about it?

I’m not sure why I am actually writing this as I know I should not have any angst about my ex being gay. But yet, I sort of do.

 

Our History

My ex is one of the world’s loveliest people. We met at University where he ‘had a crush on me’ for a year before we finally decided to start dating. All was great for about 9 months. Unfortunately we didn’t have a lot of time together and we were coming up to an exam period then a whole year away from each other so we had a very amicable split (there was still a lot of crying involved). We remained friends through our final year at university and I last saw him and his family at our graduation ceremony just over a year ago. All his family and friends (aswell as my family and friends) cheered when my name was read during the ceremony… I still tear up thinking about it.

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Our friends encouraged us to get together and my mates had a standing joke that even though we weren’t together, in 10 years time we would be married and living on a farm.

(Side note: I didn’t believe I’d actually marry him, it was just a joke between our friends, I’m in a happy relationship of my own)

This Year

After Uni I moved across the country and he went travelling so we haven’t really spoken.

Last week, I noticed that he changed his relationship status to ‘in a relationship’. My initial thoughts were “Aww that’s great” I know that he was close to a girl in our final year at uni but that he’d not been in a relationship since we broke up in 2014. I did the ‘normal’ thing of scrolling through his page to see if I could find the girl as she wasn’t tagged in the life event. Nothing. I decided to leave it. (usual comments from friends saying “so happy for you” “really pleased for you” etc.)

This weekend, whilst trawling through the usual garbage on my phone I see that he’s been tagged seeing a show in the West End. Nothing particularly unusual there, I’ve not really known him to go to the theatre and he’s never particularly liked musicals but I pretty much ignored it.

Then there was another tag… and another. Clearly the friend he was with is a prolific status updater.

Finally a photo appeared, I recognised the other guy from the pictures on his page. The caption underneath “You two look so cute together, so happy for you both”.

It all fell into place.

Cue immediate text to my friends.

He’s gay.

Disbelief.

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Now

We went to a university where there is maybe one openly gay person, no one really minds but it’s just not particularly common.

Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with it, my oldest friend is gay and I’ve supported her through every girlfriend and break up since she told me in 2010. I love her to bits and couldn’t care less who she’s seeing as long as she’s happy. Why would there be any problem now?

But there is – not a problem, just a weird feeling.

I know I shouldn’t care, I know I need to just be happy that he looks so happy.

I know that I shouldn’t be replaying old memories to try to find any sign because I know there isn’t any.

But how do I wrap my head around it? There seems to be so many unanswered questions..

Has he always felt like this?

Was it something that happened during his year travelling?

Is he gay or bi?

Should I talk to him about it?

 

None of these questions matter. I haven’t spoken to him in so long that it would seem strange to message him out of the blue now and ask any of them. He will be going through enough emotions so it is not his job to deal with any angst that I may have.

I totally understand that making this public won’t have been a decision he will have taken lightly. I know his parents will treat him exactly the same and won’t care in the slightest, our friends won’t either.

I just can’t understand how I am supposed to feel. We have so many memories together and now I’m questioning how happy he really was. Am I supposed to be disappointed? Angry? Sad? Pleased? Jealous?

I don’t feel any of those emotions, more just curious and a slightly confused. There is no prescribed feeling for this or even an agony aunt letter with a helpful reply so I’m really just venting my frustration at the emotionless void I have.

When not even google has an answer, I know it’s not worth worrying about.

 

I apologise for the length of this post. I do not intend to offend anyone and I know that it shouldn’t matter how I’m feeling when it is someone else who has to now cope with the unfair idiotic prejudice against them.

 

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Posted in Family, Friends, Life, Random Thoughts, Relationships

More attached to my Car than my Partner

My latest relationship failure has made me think more about the fact I’m more attached to my cars than my relationships.

Is that my problem or theirs?

Please don’t take this the wrong way, I do not have any sort of physical relationship with my car. I would never go so far as to be someone who marries their vehicle. The people who ‘come out’ as being in a relationship with an object confuse me, but hey, as long as their happy right?

I have just noticed more and more that my attachment to them is stronger than that to my exs.

 

Dorian, 1.9, GSOH, OH (Good Sense of Humour, Own Horn)

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I bought my first car at 19, a 2001 Land Rover Freelander. It became a bargaining chip between myself and my parents, I could buy any car I wanted (with my own money) if I took my driving test again – I’d failed a couple of times and was refusing to go back through the hell of it all.

The car, I named Dorian, was my soul mate. I loved every inch of that little silver beast. He cost me £2,500, looking back this was a rip off but I didn’t care. £1,000 on insurance and about £300 on car tax was a small price to pay for the freedom he offered.

A 1.9litre deisel was never going to be fuel-efficient or environmentally friendly but he offered comfort, safety and a hell of a lot of fun.

I’ve loved Land Rovers all of my life and now I’m proud to say I had one for my first car.

He had multiple ‘operations’ where I* changed starter motors, several crank shaft pulleys and the battery *with the help of my father. The garage changed all the breaks, pads, disks, shoes, cables, as well as corroded housing, oil lines, anti-roll links, exhaust pipes etc. He was almost a completely new car under the bonnet. I even needed a new horn, my road rage had worn out the old one.

The day he finally gave up on me was heartbreaking. The head gasket blew and the plumes of black, white and blue smoke that poured out of him showed me that it was time to say goodbye. I cried more over my baby Landy than any boy.

He sat still for 4 months before being sold to a friend’s son. I’m proud to say he started up and drove onto the trailer before being taken away, it was like a final goodbye. He’s been completely restored and is back on the road in the hands of another Land Rover enthusiast who I hope enjoys him as much as I did for the 3 years we were together.

3 years, that’s 8 months longer than any relationship I’ve been in.

 

 

Gaston, 1.9, ISOSTR (In Search Of Short Term Relationships)

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After getting over the heartbreak and being at a complete loss without a vehicle, I decided to ask my parents to find me something fun. They succeeded with a 2005 Vauxhall Tigre – convertible, 1.9l ball of enjoyment.

There’s a huge difference to driving a 1.9litre four-wheel drive and a 1.9litre convertible. Size and speed couldn’t be more different. I introduced the convertible to as many people as possible, it was just so much fun, annoyingly it was also more expensive, at least in insurance terms.

I still dream of the day my insurance is under £1,000.

The main issue I had with my little convertible, Gaston, was… he couldn’t climb trees.

3 months after I bought him, he was sold for scrap. Long story short, after a lot of spinning we parted ways in a ditch, the only casualties being the car and a few trees that got in the way.

 

Time to look for car number 3. Car shopping is not fun when you’re being forced to do it quickly and with no money, similarly to choosing a partner.

 

 

Vince, 1.6, Tall Dark and Handsome

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I settled, after a lot of shopping around, for the new Suzuki Vitara. Vincent was collected in December. The glossy black paintwork shone in the evening sunshine.

A sublte-but-sexy, modern, four wheel drive. Less power, more safety features. He came with all the gadgets (because I demanded them). If I’m spending the next 3 years paying for this then I want everything.

It took a while for the pride of a brand-spanking-new car to wear off but now I’ve begun my new love affair with this pretty guy.

I’ve had around 5 partners (give or take) to my 3 cars. I’ve cried more over a scratch than I have an argument. I definitely have spent more on the cars, both in terms of both money and time. I might not be able to cuddle my car but it provides so much more fun and general satisfaction.

 

I might not have found “the one” but my car is keeping me happy.

Posted in Family, Friends, General Issues, Life, Work

Am I too old for Birthdays?

Yesterday was my Birthday. I’m still in my 20’s but somehow I feel like I turned 75.

 

Work

Having a birthday on a Monday is never fun, people forget over the weekend so when they you see you in work the thought immediately pops into their head “Oh crap, I forgot”. We’re all guilty of forgetting but it’s still not a great feeling. There are 3 other people in my office, 2 remembered when I walked through the door, one was reminded later on. This was also the first year that I didn’t get a card or cake during the day.

Apart from the usual ” Happy Birthday… how old are you?… I remember being that age etc” No one mentioned it again. A delivery of flowers and a plant sparked little conversations of horticultural management but nothing more.

Leaving 30 minutes early was my gift.

 

Friends

My 3 best friends posted the usual collage of embarrassing photos on social media before I had left for work. Then they’re the friends that forget and post something at 11pm.

 

4 cards arrived.. when did social mediadog-in-party-hat_4460x4460.jpg posts replace cards? I remember being about 10 and the whole room was covered with brightly coloured pictures and love from family members you hardly saw but somehow always managed to remember your birthday. Now I have 6 cards in my flat, including one from my dog.

 

 

Pink Moth Orchid

Everyone has awkward moments on their birthday too right? This year my ex sent me a card (very kind of him), his family sent me a card (very nice of them) and as a joint gift they had a moth orchid delivered to me at work. This begs the question, has he mentioned that we’ve split up?? I know it happened less than two weeks ago but surely he told them. Or are they in denial?

 

I’d spent the weekend with my best friend so I’d opened 3 gifts with her and saved 2 for monday morning. I’m glad I did, they were the highlight of my day until my mum arrived.

 

Family

My mother has been at every one of my previous birthdays and my move 3 hours down the country was not going to stop her missing this one. She arrived at my flat at the same time I did.

I opened 5 gifts with my mum and I have the rest to open with both of my parents at the weekend (We’re a family that will buy 20 little gifts to a normal families 1 gift).tractor-485897_960_720.jpg

My dad is from a farming family so the excitement of silaging time and a new tractor meant he almost completely forgot the anniversary of my birth. We called him at 10:30pm. Tractors dominated our conversation.

 

My mum makes a real effort every year, I love her for that.

She’d cooked and we had a “Southern-style” dinner. Starting with crab cakes, followed by Gumbo, then Mississippi mud pie. Although, as I live thousands of miles from the Mississippi, she renamed it “River Wye Mud Pie”. Preacher cake and coffee to finish. It was beautiful.

We watched comedian Greg Davies and his Back Of My Mum’s Head Tour, this had us laughing so hard we were in pain. She then proceeded to sleep on my living room floor and left at 5:30am today.

 

All in all it wasn’t a bad day by any means. I had a great weekend, lovely gifts, left work early and go to spend time laughing with my mum. I just can’t help feeling I’ve hit the age where birthdays are just something that pass us by and fun has been sucked away.

Am I just tired or in need of birthday cake? Can I buy myself birthday cake? Is singing Happy Birthday to yourself as sad as it sounds in my head?

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