I’m not sure why I am actually writing this as I know I should not have any angst about my ex being gay. But yet, I sort of do.
My ex is one of the world’s loveliest people. We met at University where he ‘had a crush on me’ for a year before we finally decided to start dating. All was great for about 9 months. Unfortunately we didn’t have a lot of time together and we were coming up to an exam period then a whole year away from each other so we had a very amicable split (there was still a lot of crying involved). We remained friends through our final year at university and I last saw him and his family at our graduation ceremony just over a year ago. All his family and friends (aswell as my family and friends) cheered when my name was read during the ceremony… I still tear up thinking about it.
Our friends encouraged us to get together and my mates had a standing joke that even though we weren’t together, in 10 years time we would be married and living on a farm.
(Side note: I didn’t believe I’d actually marry him, it was just a joke between our friends, I’m in a happy relationship of my own)
After Uni I moved across the country and he went travelling so we haven’t really spoken.
Last week, I noticed that he changed his relationship status to ‘in a relationship’. My initial thoughts were “Aww that’s great” I know that he was close to a girl in our final year at uni but that he’d not been in a relationship since we broke up in 2014. I did the ‘normal’ thing of scrolling through his page to see if I could find the girl as she wasn’t tagged in the life event. Nothing. I decided to leave it. (usual comments from friends saying “so happy for you” “really pleased for you” etc.)
This weekend, whilst trawling through the usual garbage on my phone I see that he’s been tagged seeing a show in the West End. Nothing particularly unusual there, I’ve not really known him to go to the theatre and he’s never particularly liked musicals but I pretty much ignored it.
Then there was another tag… and another. Clearly the friend he was with is a prolific status updater.
Finally a photo appeared, I recognised the other guy from the pictures on his page. The caption underneath “You two look so cute together, so happy for you both”.
It all fell into place.
Cue immediate text to my friends.
We went to a university where there is maybe one openly gay person, no one really minds but it’s just not particularly common.
Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with it, my oldest friend is gay and I’ve supported her through every girlfriend and break up since she told me in 2010. I love her to bits and couldn’t care less who she’s seeing as long as she’s happy. Why would there be any problem now?
But there is – not a problem, just a weird feeling.
I know I shouldn’t care, I know I need to just be happy that he looks so happy.
I know that I shouldn’t be replaying old memories to try to find any sign because I know there isn’t any.
But how do I wrap my head around it? There seems to be so many unanswered questions..
Has he always felt like this?
Was it something that happened during his year travelling?
Is he gay or bi?
Should I talk to him about it?
None of these questions matter. I haven’t spoken to him in so long that it would seem strange to message him out of the blue now and ask any of them. He will be going through enough emotions so it is not his job to deal with any angst that I may have.
I totally understand that making this public won’t have been a decision he will have taken lightly. I know his parents will treat him exactly the same and won’t care in the slightest, our friends won’t either.
I just can’t understand how I am supposed to feel. We have so many memories together and now I’m questioning how happy he really was. Am I supposed to be disappointed? Angry? Sad? Pleased? Jealous?
I don’t feel any of those emotions, more just curious and a slightly confused. There is no prescribed feeling for this or even an agony aunt letter with a helpful reply so I’m really just venting my frustration at the emotionless void I have.
When not even google has an answer, I know it’s not worth worrying about.
I apologise for the length of this post. I do not intend to offend anyone and I know that it shouldn’t matter how I’m feeling when it is someone else who has to now cope with the unfair idiotic prejudice against them.