Posted in Food, General Issues, Life, Relationships, Weight-loss

The Post Break-Up Binge

I wasn’t going to bore anyone with this but I think it’s important for me to get off my chest how much I miss… eating carbs.

To cut a long story short, I have been with the boyfriend for 17 months, we met at University where he was an older first year and I was about to graduate. We kept up a decent long distance thing for 13 months but for the past 2 it has become very clear that we’ve grown apart. I’ve grown up, he refuses to.

Thursday night saw a series of phone calls where things finally ended. I just felt relief. I realise how bad that may sound but I have had a few weeks to process it and gear myself up to actually saying something to him.

 

After the usual messages to friends to let them know (much to their relief as well I’m sure) and a call home to inform the parents, I went to bed late and set my alarm for an extra 30 minute lie in.

I deserved it.

Strangely I didn’t need it, I woke up at my usual time and was able to get up straight away without the daily bartering and mental preparation I go through to pull myself out of bed.

I just had the urge to clean.

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I live in a one-bedroom flat, cleaning doesn’t take too long. Whenever my now ex used to visit he would leave a trail of rubbish, dirt, tobacco and weed behind him. Weekends were always a difficult time for my OCD. The moment I dropped him at the train station a huge feeling of excitement would wash over me as I realised I could clean without him judging me. The flat would be disinfected, polished, sheets changed, floors mopped, washing up done etc. within an hour of me arriving home. BLISS

 

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So Friday morning, even though he hadn’t visited in at least 5 weeks I got up to clean. Texts from friends checking on me were replied to with a happy breezy comment whilst I sat on my neat and freshly wiped leather sofa with a well-deserved coffee.

 

 

pexels-photo-57799Friday then saw an extremely productive day at work, though I’ve not told my colleagues what happened yet. In the evening I packed an overnight bag for the weekend and relaxed with a funny Ryan Reynolds film, perfectly cooked steak followed by a bowl of ice cream. Yes, I didn’t even eat it out of the tub!

 

Is this the easiest break-up I’ve ever had? I think so.

 

Sunday was a little more difficult. I should have seen him but obviously now didn’t have to. A great night out with my best friend and night in a hotel gave me, at best, 4 hours sleep, followed by “continental breakfast” (always disappointing when sausages are on offer) and a 3 hour train journey home.

I walked in and cracked.

 

I had put wet laundry on an airer before I left so whilst I put everything away and unpacked my bag a pan full of pasta bubbled away.

My almost carb free diet was ruined. I needed filling comfort food to help me relax before Monday morning comes around.

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I haven’t cried about this, I’ve hardly even felt sad but my hunger for pasta, potatoes and bread has increased. They have left a much larger hole in my life.

 

Sunday evening was more productive. After I ate a glorious bowl of squishy yellow goodness I convinced myself I needed to get up and do something so I could help the digestion.

More cleaning. I put everything away down to the last hair grip. As I came to the final hurdle – the washing up – I crashed and went back to the comfort of the sofa and an episode of The Office (US).

 

I instantly regretted not washing up when I awoke today. One of my best friends has offered to come over and cook for me tonight while I lounge on the sofa with a glass of wine – his words!

So obviously I can’t expect him to wash up before he starts.

It’s my choice what he cooks for dinner… Can I have a meal that is solely made from carbs?

 

Posted in Food, Random Thoughts, TV

I do love a good Bake-Off-Menu-Berry-Lawson-Everyday cookery program

Are you, like me, slightly obsessed with cookery programs? I feel the need to tell the world (or anyone who’ll listen) about my secret love.

Whilst the rest of my office and most of the country are fixed on Love Island, or my closest friends eagerly awaiting the next episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race (yes, I do love a good episode of Drag Race), I have been mourning the loss of my favourite program.

Friday saw the end of the Great British Menu. For the people who haven’t seen it I’ll attempt to summarise.

Every week, 3 professional chefs, cook one course a day to be judged by a “Veteran Chef”. The top scoring 2 chefs then cook their whole 4-course menu for a panel of judges on the 5th day of the week. This happens for 8 regions across the UK. The 8 winners go on to a final where they repeat each dish and 4 are picked to cook the 4 courses at a prestigious themed banquet. This year was Wimbledon.

It has been the highlight of my day for the last 9 weeks. My closest friends and family know that every night between 7:30 and 8pm they do not contact me. My mother then calls at 8:01 to discuss the episode.

Now it’s over I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do with my evenings. They were timed perfectly so that I would eat my dinner during the episode and then not feel hungry watching the delicious dishes being prepared.

I have an issue with becoming hungry whilst watching cookery programs. Can I blame some of my weight issues on Nigella Lawson? I think yes.

The Great British Menu isn’t the only program. Everyone loves The Great British Bake Off (with the exception of one grumpy friend). It’s the best program on TV (was on TV). I am addicted to watching any old episodes on the food channel even if I’ve seen them 100 times before. Nothing has made me laugh more than the not-so-subtle double-entendre from Mel and Sue, or the accidental innuendos from Mary. Even Paul’s scathing comments have given me a giggle. I will miss this more than most, from series 1 to the final episode it has been like 4 old friends that visit every year. I will try to be open minded and watch their replacements, but who are they kidding, it’s not the same.

 

During the difficult period between the Menu and Bake Off I trawl through episodes on the food channels looking for inspiration. Knowing I’ll never actually cook the things they make doesn’t deter from the fact that I love to watch a good/bad chef whip up something so seamlessly.

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My current recommendations are The Barefoot Contessa and The Pioneer Woman. Both American ladies cooking things that I’d never try and also giving my mum and me a good giggle. From Ina and her laugh-at-everything approach during scenes with friends to Ree using bacon as a base ingredient, I’m not complaining but now a salad isn’t a salad without bacon.

 

However

I’m not sure if it’s the new attitude to my weight but I seem to have lost my desire to wade through the food channel and I’m now, for some unknown reason, spending my evenings watching dinosaur and shark documentaries on Netflix (then waking up at 1am after a nightmare based on the episode).

This surely isn’t normal. Has a sudden lack of food prompted this? Has anyone else had this issue? Is it an unknown scientific fact that sharks are the natural replacement for flapjacks?

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Posted in Clothes, Fat, General Issues

Jeans and a nice top

If there is one phrase I cannot stand it’s the answer to that immortal question

“What are you wearing tonight?”

“Jeans and a nice top”

What person feels that this is an adequate answer?

What constitutes “nice”?

 

I’m going to a concert on Saturday night, not a big pop/rock thing, it’s an acapella band in a theatre. It doesn’t matter how big or small this concert is, I am still over excited and I’ve been looking forward to it since I bagged front row seats back in January.

It’s the 3rd (or 4th) time I will have seen the band and I love them. Each time I get more and more excited and when it comes to the meet-and-greet after I become a shy little school girl, too embarrassed to ask for a picture.

The trouble arises when I asked the bff what she’s wearing. Jeans and a nice top.

No. I refuse to accept that answer. I want specifics.

The last concert of this kind we ended up in matching outfits with the only difference being shoes. We need to coordinate before Saturday arrives.

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Do I wear jeans and a nice top? Do I wear a skirt? Would I look too formal in a dress?

These are all important questions, not helped by the fact that we’ll be going on to a bar or club afterwards.

 

As usual, I’ve googled it. Strangely enough, jeans and a nice top didn’t appear, at least not in those specific words.

I don’t want to wear a band t-shirt and the world will not be subjected to my body in something figure-hugging.

I’ve tried in vein to search through my favourite clothes websites and nothing screams “WEAR ME!” so I will resort to going to an actual shop – not happy about this.

 

Jeans and a nice top will not cut it. These photos are going to be plastered all over social media and my lounge wall. No one is ever going to say “I like what you wore to that concert”. Jeans and a nice top do not warrant any compliment. They are the beige boring sheet of the outfit world.

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Posted in Clothes, Fat, Food, Weight-loss

Swapping Cereal for Smoothies to Drop 5lbs?

So I read an article a few weeks back about how someone swapped all their unhealthy meals for smoothies. I don’t really agree that this will work or at least do anything for me but I’m going to give it a go.

 

I’m combining this with some of the points in “12 tricks to drop 5 pounds in a week”. It may sound slightly at odds as the first “step” says to only drink water but I don’t like water.

The 12 Steps in a nutshell:

1. Drink Mainly Water

2. Swap Refined Carbs for Veggies

3. Do Cardio 30 Minutes a Day

4. Drink Coffee an Hour Before Working Out

5. Have Nightly You-On-Top Sex

6. Do 36 Push-Ups and Lunges Every Other Day

7. Sleep 30 Minutes More a Night

8. Make One Food Sacrifice

9. Eat Salmon

10. Pop an Anti-Gas Pill

11. Stand Up Straight

12. Do Squats and Sit-Ups

 

Why am I doing this?

Firstly, it’s Monday morning and I’m going to a concert on Saturday night so to feel better in a dress I thought I’d give this week a try.

Secondly, I love smoothies and I ran out of milk.

So…

This morning instead of my beloved Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, I threw a large handful of frozen mixed berries into my blender along with a banana, orange juice and some low fat Greek style yoghurt. It was delicious and I almost forgot about my lack of flakes.

Drinking it from my new bottle I was able to take it to work and sip throughout the morning, this stopped the usual mid-morning munchies and meant that by the time it came to lunch I only wanted a sandwich and not the usual extras of either a lemon posset or flapjack (my favourites from our building’s canteen).

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I’m not one for product placement but I love this bottle. It’s simple, it doesn’t leak and it’s pink! I found it in Wilkinsons at the weekend and it’s the best one I’ve come across. The infuser bottles draw me in but I know I’m never going to use them properly. This is the only one that had a decent “mouth piece” that will allow those random un-blended bits of banana through and it won’t get blocked with seeds. I LOVE it.20170703_121327

Side Note: I sucked the smoothie up too hard so created a vacuum, I made a very loud kissing noise when I pulled it away – slightly embarrassing moment in the office.

 

 

I don’t want to radically change my diet so for lunch I had tuna mayo with lettuce and cucumber on brown bread and tonight I plan on having salmon, green beans, baby corn with sweet chilli sauce (Step 2 and Step 9). I’d been planning on having this anyway, luckily it fits farily well. Keeping the carbs in the middle of the day is probably going to be a better option for my digestion – after dinner I plan on being lazy… I mean getting those extra 30 minutes of sleep (Step 7).

 

The part I’m going to struggle with is the exercise. Do 30 minutes of Cardio a day (Step 3)? The last time I did a cardio workout was the summer of 2014 at a fitness class in the middle of a sports shop. The first and last time that’s going to happen.

 

But for the purpose of trying to impress a band member, that is likely to already have a girlfriend, I will try. I will try for my own ego’s sake… You never know, he might like a chunkier girl (is what I keep telling myself).

 

If you want to try this yourselves I would be very interested to hear if it works.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/advice/a5614/drop-5-pounds-in-a-week-0509/

 

And for those of you who read my Friday complaining post, I apologise, but I did manage to find some wide-legged trousers that I loved… Of course, I had to hem them as they were 3 inches too long. *sigh*

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Posted in Clothes, Fat, General Issues, Thighs

Embrasing The Wide-Leg Trouser

Anyone else got that impulsive friend who decides on a Friday afternoon “Hey, let’s do something this weekend”? They have no regard for the fact it takes a small army of people to help me decide what I’m going to wear.

This weekend, my annoying but lovely friend and I are off for a chilled day in Oxford. Cue weather checks to rule out outfits.

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As my beautiful boss has told me he’ll cover the office for most of the afternoon so I can go home early, I have a little extra time to plan. A quick search of ‘relaxed nice outfits’ (I know, so inventive), has not helped.

I, as usual, have a few issues with outfit planning.

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My friend is a guy who regularly dresses in the salmon-shorts-white-polo or designer jeans-hoodie combo – as you can imagine he’s at the slightly posher end of the spectrum so his outfits are relatively easy to sort.

As he’s got this posh side, we regularly end up in some of the most expensive places around…other times he’s obsessed with a McDonald’s. Other fast food chains are available.

This makes outfit planning difficult. My sizeable thighs do not help. I’ve come to the realisation that even though they make up 90% of my wardrobe, skinny jeans are not my friend. They’re too warm, too restrictive and make my legs look very short and fat.

My only inspiration right now are the girls that confidently wear the wide legged trouser and a cute vest whilst strutting through the streets with a floppy hat, massive sunglasses and an oversized handbag.

I can guarantee I won’t look that good but they remind me of my pjs so at least I’ll feel that good.

Huge problems arise when I think of the average length of leg, I am never average. I’ve got to spend my Friday night shopping for the perfect length or at lease a pair I love to give myself enough time to alter them tomorrow. The pressure is on!!

 

 

 

Posted in Fat, Thighs, Weight-loss

Fat Thighs & Good Pies

How many times have you been out with friends thinking you looked good in your little black dress or skin tight body suit tucked into a pair of skinny jeans?

How many times have you been wrong?

 

It has been exactly a year since I have left University. I spent a good 4 years living with three girls, who are three of the nicest humans I have met in my 20-odd years on this planet. Pushed together by worried parents on the first day of university we bonded over a love of tea and biscuits. I was the shortest of my little group and in terms of weight, I was 3rd out of 4.

I know University was the main cause of my weight gain but I’ve never considered myself to be obese until a pharmacist blurted out that it was normal for obese people like me to have a higher blood pressure. I just thought of myself as chunky.

The problem for me started this weekend. A bi-annual meet up with the Uni chums and suddenly I was not only the shortest but now the fattest.

Horror flashed through me and although I put on a brave face and congratulated my former chunkier friend on her new found skinniness, I was truly mortified.

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As usual we got drunk and I forgot all about it…. UNTIL THE PHOTOS.

It’s never a nice feeling after a night out to get that notification

“Jessica has tagged 98 photos of you”

I can’t be the only one whose heart sinks and involuntary mutters the word “b****”.

The photographs from the weekend show a group of happy and rather intoxicated friends having a good time. On closer inspection, we see a shorter girl in a beautiful dress that sticks to her every curve. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that this girl has bought this dress to compliment her hour glass figure, there’s only one problem… Her thighs are a match for this guy.

Luke McAlister

This is Luke McAlister, All Blacks Rugby Player. Yes, he is gorgeous but imagine him in a dress… still gorgeous.

 

Now I’ve decided to try to do something about *dramatic sobs* the size of my thighs.

About a month ago I spent my well-earned cash on new sports equipment, a barrel bag, swimming costume and goggles and then they sat in the bag in the boot of my car waiting for the day I finally worked up enough motivation to go. They are no longer in said bag, as I used it as a weekend bag this week, they are however still in their original packaging in a corner of my room.

 

So it is now Thursday, I’ve spent 3 days googling “How to lose weight in 2 weeks” which is when I see my new skinny friend again and also a minor pop star that I’ve been besotted with for about 2 years – I need to look slimmer.

For all you defeatist attitudes, yes, I have already bought a body shaper, or as we affectionately refer to it, all-over-fat-pants.

My main problem area right now are my sizable thighs – Not something you can control with hidden fat pants, especially when you’re barely 5’2” and all your dresses are t-shirt length on an average heighted person.

To make matters worse, I am a northern country girl living ‘down south’. My love of pies and everything with gravy gets stronger the more homesick and lonely I become.

I (after Saturday, as I’ve got a family sized trifle to finish) will attempt to lose weight using any method that doesn’t involve going under the knife.

 

I am very appreciative of any tips. Please be aware that I am one of the laziest humans on the planet and already eat relatively healthily MOST days.